Tuesday, 5/3/05
Tuesday 3 May 2005 @ 11:02 pm

- We all sleep in, and it’s 9:30 before Jen rousts me out of bed to take Quinnster to school. Since she’s late, I have to walk her in through the front office and the pre-K classes, which is always a bit harrowing, because you detour through their bathroom with the pint-side toilets to get to the outside campus, and every once in awhile, a little shaver’s sitting there, taking a dump, asking if you’ll wipe them. Thankfully, there are no shitters on the bowls today, so I get Harley to her class, kiss her g’bye, and head out. I call Jen to see if she wants to grab breakfast.

- Jen meets me in front of the house, and we head to the Griddle, where we run into Brian and Matt. We spend the meal talking about the radio show and the latest bad bit of business to befall Bryan Johnson’s ex, Suzanne. I get a call from Gail who tells me CNN has called to see if I’ll jump on that “Showbiz” show again and talk about “Sith”.

- Post-breakfast, Jen and I head over to Pico, and I hit Laser Blazer while Jen hits that girl store a few doors down. Since I’ve already grabbed a bunch of titles that streeted this week last week, my haul’s kinda slim. I chat with Ron, and as I leave, I chat with Ron’s Mom outside. Then, I grab Jen, who’s bought this awesome Lois Lane t-shirt, and we head back home so I can work on the Rolling Stone “Sith” piece. I’m getting frantic calls from Tony Angelotti, my publicist, who’s getting frantic calls from Jim, the Rolling Stone editor, who’s now getting really panicky about not having the piece yet, because they go to press this week. On the way home, we stop in Westwood to peep out a hotel Xtian’s gonna board his brood in for the first two weeks when he arrives in L.A., while they search for an apartment. It’s not a shit-hole, so I call X to let him know.

- When I get home, Mewes is all over me about going with him to the Caddy dealership to co-sign a two year lease for him (Mewes has shit credit at the moment). I tell him we can go right after I’m done at CNN, and he tells me he’s heading to the bank to grab the deposit for the lease. I take a shower, get dressed, then head over to CNN.

- I run into some of my old new friends at CNN, then they put me in the chair, give me the earpiece, and get NY on the line. Apparently, they like me over at Showbiz Tonight (as this is the third time I’ve been on in four weeks) but they don’t trust me to be on live anymore (because of the ol’ “golden showers” comment). They’re paying a bunch of dough in satellite time to have me comment on “Sith”, though you wouldn’t know it based on the amount of yakking the hostess is doing in her lead-up to the question. Mid-answer, she cuts me off to comment on my commentary. It’s a strange way to run a whorehouse (bring a guy all the way over to the office just to essentially listen to the host’s thoughts on the topic at hand on-air), but eventually, we both get through it with little incident, and I’m off on my merry way.

- On the ride back home from CNN, Mewes calls to see if I’m ready to hit the Caddy dealership. He’s also out on the road, so I tell him to meet me at the View Askew office, where we’ll leave his car and drive to the dealer in mine.

- I get to the office and Susanah Grant calls my cell. I bitch about CNN for a beat, until she cuts to the chase and gives me some guff about not going to my fly-fishing lesson. I apologize and tell her I’ll fly-fish my ass off the week before we start and all through the shoot, just hitting ten and two non-stop. She tells me that after rehearsal on Saturday, the hair department’s gonna come look at my mop and see what’s-what for the show. I ask if I’m gonna be allowed to rock my mullet, and – devastatingly – she tells me no: the mullet’s not gonna be in the movie.

Now, am I insanely pro-mullet? No. But I’ve been growing this shit out for the last three months in prep for “Clerks 2″ – fighting with my ol’ lady about it, wearing it on national television – only to suddenly learn that I’m gonna have to hack it off. So when I hang up, I launch into a tirade for Scott and Phil about how powerless it is to be an actor and have someone telling you where to go and how to cut your hair. Mos and Phil are looking at each other like “Kharma, bitch…” Mewes arrives to hear me bitching about cutting my hair and immediately objects, as I haven’t let him cut his hair in over a year, in prep for “Clerks 2”. I tell him to shut the fuck up: actors are to do what they’re told. Bryan Johnson pops in and opts to take a ride with Mewes and me to the Caddy dealer.

- On the ride over, we talk about Bry’s ex and the bad weirdness in her life. But the bad weirdness is yet to come, as we get to the Caddy dealer, pick out the car, and fill out all the lease agreements… only to then learn that California rolls a lot differently than Jersey when it comes to co-signing.

I was set to throw my name down as financial security for the dealership – so that if Mewes defaulted on his lease payments, they’d come looking for me. This is co-signing for a lease/loan as I’ve always understood it (and done it) back home. Out here, there is no co-signer; it’s only co-buyers. What that means is that I’d be leasing the car with Mewes, right down to having my name on the registration too. This isn’t good, because it means that if Mewes gets into an accident, I get sued as well. As much as I hate to, at this point I decline to co-sign/co-buy. Mewes understands, but is bummed – as he was a mere signature away from being a car-owner (he was leasing-to-buy). Thankfully, another option presents itself.

There’s another Caddy, the same model that Mewes wants, only a few years older, with merely three thousand miles on it, available on the used lot. It’s a thirty thousand dollar car, and the manager of the dealership says that if Mewes puts a third or more of the price down, he can probably get him financed for the rest. Mewes checks out the car, and likes it even more than the new Caddy he was gonna lease, so he’s in. The manager says to give him a day to pull the paperwork together. Mewes – ever the very essence of patience and serenity – offers the guy five hundred bucks to make the paperwork happen now. The manager, bless him, says he doesn’t need five hundred bucks that badly, and tells Mewes he’ll call him tomorrow.

- I drop Bry and Mewes off at the office and head home, just as Jen and Harley are coming back from Target and various errands. We put Harley to sleep and head upstairs, where we settle into an Anna Paquin flick called “Darkness”, while checking email and reading the board. When the movie wraps up, we head downstairs, cuddle up, and fall asleep to Tivo’ed “Simpsons”.


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