Witness the birth of the SMonologue!
Sunday 19 December 2010 @ 2:17 am

Tonight on Twitter, I got a little wordy.

Many requested all the words be put in one place for easy-reading. Here you go…

Via @YourRealDad76: I lost my job, and have a chance to “start over”… What the hell should I do?

Here’s the “secret” everyone always asks in regards to how I “did it” (whatever “it” is when asked). It doesn’t even take TALENT to do what I did; I’m living proof of that. All you need to do is identify what you love to do and monetize that.

If you like jerking off, sell your sperm or wank for porn. If you like dogs, monetize your canine interest. Lazy motherfuckers like me will always pay someone to wash his dog(s). Some folks will pay you to babysit ‘em!

If it never feels like work, it’s NOT work.

Life is mutable; the rigidity of working for someone else doesn’t allow for much flexibility. So create your own ideal universe.

That’s all I’ve been doing now for nearly 20 years. I didn’t want to have to go to my relatives houses if I didn’t want to – as my parents would make me do when I lived with them. So I wanted to find a way to be able to say “I’m not going” for 

which I wouldn’t catch shit. Being a filmmaker seemed like an excellent excuse to not go to relatives houses if I didn’t want to.

So I got 

into filmmaking, and one day, I was able to say to my parents “I can’t go to Aunt Virginia’s this weekend; I’m making MALLRATS.” So my parents 

couldn’t give me shit for not going to visit relatives with them, because I was balancing multimillion dollar budgets for movies about boys giving stink palms & seeing boobies out in Minnesota.


The secret to a successful life is hardly a secret; it requires you to be 

self-centered as all fuck, is all. So long as it’s not at the expense of others, make yourself the center of your universe. You only get to do this ONCE, so try to take as much stress out of the process as you can.

Why stress out in some office wearing clothes you hate, when the REAL stress lies ahead, as we face an inescapable grave. Doubt I’m gonna go quietly into that good night, so I’ll save the stress for then.

Sadly, as far as I’ve learned, we can do NOTHING to alter death; it’s GONNA happen.

But life? We can shape & change the fuck out of life!

Via @aokarim: What if no one had wanted to pay you do what you love?

Nobody wanted to pay me not to go to my relatives when I didn’t wanna. 

Sometimes, the path isn’t direct.

S’like folks who start movie websites: they just love movies. Not sure what their end-game’s gonna be, but writing about them & hosting trailers is a start, right? For some, the end-game will be to make a film. For some, just having people read what they have to say about a subject they love is good enough. Regardless, the smart ones will always find a way to earn off it. Because 

once you’ve got a taste for working for yourself, doing what you love doing? You’ll work 10x as hard as any brick-layer or paralegal, but you’ll NEVER feel it, never recognize it.

And let the cranks cat-call from the sidelines; they lack balls of any element, let alone brass.

Case in point: this isn’t a debate at all – this is just advice. It’s subjective, so it can’t be wrong. Yet I’ve seen a Tweet or two from 

cats who wanna debate the advice, criticize it, or mock me for it. They’re the equivalent of the pantomimed losers in the bar Baldwin told 

us about in GLENGARRY…

“Oh yeah. I used to be a salesman. It’s a tough racket.”

Tip your excuse-lubricant & scoff all you want, Slappy; must 

be working out for you.

Ignore the flock of Wah-Wahs, focus on what you love to do, and earn off it. And remember: once you get paid to do 

it, doesn’t matter whether someone thinks you’re good at it or not; opinions pay imaginary rents, kids. You get paid to do it, you’re a pro.

Via @MKillustration: But what’s the point if we’re all gonna die?

Because life should be all about making your death as easy as possible.

Via @spidermann: most don’t want to actually work hard for it

The work is long & will take you away from lots of other people & things. But 

you will never know/feel/realize it’s work – not until you look back.

This Sundance marks 17 years since the CLERKS debut changed my life. But from the moment we got our foot in the door, the workload intensified a thousand fold. And I never noticed – because I loved it so much. For 15 of those 17 years, I didn’t stop.

Cranks will tell you I’ve been living off CLERKS forever, but that’s dismissive self-deception. We got our foot in the door & I never stopped. And while the changes were imperceptible to some, each time out, we worked a little harder at developing the various muscles of storytelling.

In that analogy, Red State is the most physically fit of all the stories I’ve told. It’s the sum total of nearly two decades of hard work (for which, most times, I was handsomely overcompensated, monetarily & otherwise). And it never 

felt like work when we were crafting them. What made them feel like work was slugging it out with jackasses over opinion, or getting by the fear-driven gatekeepers who finance, market, or rate the stories I’ve tried to tell.

Like hockey, film used to be a simple, fun game 

that grown-up kids loved to play. Then, someone figured out how to make a buck off it. Now it’s a business. Rage against the darkness all you want: at the end of the day, it’s called the movie BIZ. Bitching about that fact’s akin to bitching about sharks in the ocean: if you’re 

stepping into the surf, you’re stepping into the food chain. Don’t be a dummy: make sure you’re in a boat. Start with a small boat and one 

day, you realize you’re Cap’n Stubbing. Or in my case, Cap’n Crunch. Then you can put a dog in a sailor suit & cock-block French pirates.

Via @wicked12: It’s about finding your bliss, right?

It’s summed up on this dopey yoga wall hanging the wife has in the house that I only really understood this year:


That’s worth working for. It took me 40 yrs, but I finally realized my divinity in this lifetime. Not talking “Clapton is God” or Lennon’s “We’re bigger than Jesus” when I say this: but we can each… hell, we SHOULD each make of ourselves… a god, for lack of better expression.

And I’m not talking the drag-some-kid-into-the-woods-and-cut-his-heart-out bullshit; I’m talking about finding for ourselves the same reverence the faithful reserve for the divine.

And what better to shoot for than mortal divinity? And not that angry god bullshit, either: if the X-Men taught me anything, God loves & man kills.

Via @JimBarry: You cleverly switched from ‘success’ to ‘work doesn’t feel like work’.

Success is relative. I don’t equate success with money. However, if you’re looking to get me on a technicality to explain why you’re not where you wanna be in life, fine – I’ll give it to you both ways: I’m talking about measuring in personal success, but I’m also talking about financial success.

It’s advice; don’t fight it. Either make something of the advice or simply discard it, but to attempt to argue it with me is daft & wastes all of our precious time. You’re 

talking to the laziest fat-fuck I’ve ever met, who came from a gov’t-cheese-eatin’ lower, lower, LOWER middle-class and still somehow bent the universe to compliment his universe. I built an podcasting playground where even my friends get PAID to simply be themselves. So, again: take the advice or leave it. But when you debate free advice, who’re you fighting – me or you?

I ain’t the one cock-blocking your divinity.

Via @biaxident: I love these SMonologues

LOVE IT! Please stop calling them “Twitter rants”, folks: I’m not ranting. I’m SMonologuing.

You sly dogs. You got me SMonologuing.



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