My Boring Ass Life » Clearing the Cobwebs

Wednesday 22 April 2009 @ 10:19 am

Hey, all. If you’ve listened to SModcast, you know where I’ve been.

Okay, so for those who remotely care about NHL and the Stanley Cup Playoffs, I’m blogging on behalf of the NJ Devils for NHL.com.

Or I was.

With zero acrimony whatsoever, and nothing but love for the NHL, I’m here to announce the Devils Playoffs blog will move back here, to SilentBobSpeaks.com. Even though I was able to find a way around swearing in the blog, the NHL site is – understandably – a lot less liberal than my website. So rather than submit multiple drafts of a blog in order to make it more general audience friendly, we’ve decided that maybe it’d be best to move the blog back here, where I can let my hair down more.

No cause for alarm or outrage. S’not a big deal. No reason to be pissed at the NHL or me. This just makes more sense – as sports generally play to family audiences, and I generally play to reprobates and Persons of Interest.

Anyway, what follows is the blog that was supposed to go up on Monday. If the [Gretzky] stuff doesn’t make any sense to you, read the first blog installment here.
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From a Box at The Rock

[Author's Note: NHL.com is as family-friendly as the NHL organization – which means I can't swear in my blog. To combat my penchant for four letter expletives (and as explained in last blog), I've opted to employ the term "Gretzky" (or some derivative thereof) whenever I feel compelled to cuss. This means you'll see sentences like "I'm gonna [Wayne]-er slam them lousy Hurricanes!”]

You can miss an entire hockey match, and as long as you’ve got the game stats, you’ll know exactly what happened.

But the game stats only tell one side of the story: namely, the athlete’s. But what of the other integral component to any sporting event: the fan? We don’t have stats of our own, so how can we track our game performance?

I know y’all been over-hearing about it lately (thanks to CNN and the “punk’d” dude), but I believe the answer to the question of fan stats has been provided by Twitter, the social networking/mini-blogging site. Below, you’ll find my “Tweets” (aka, “stats”, in this instance) on the three NJ Devils Stanley Cup Playoff games that’ve happened thus far. Read them and see if you can gauge how the game’s going, based on each new entry…

GAME 1

- Almost at the Rock for Devs/Canes game 1. National Post up in Canada ran a story about my @NHL blog. Oh, Canada – I stand on guard for thee. 5:28 PM Apr 15th

- NHL PLAYOFFS, [Gretzky]ERS!!!!!!!! To those who flip the biscuit for the great state of NJ: unleash Hell ’til the light flashes red!5:42 PM Apr 15th

- Watching warmup. Once upon a time, these guys played peewee and junior b, dreaming of being in the NHL. Except Elias: POURED from The Cup.7:27 PM Apr 15th

- SCORE!!!!!!!!!!8:07 PM Apr 15th

- Cushion! After iffy first half, quality finish to first period. Please, God: grant the Devil first playoff win in Rock ever.8:17 PM Apr 15th

- @gzlrangerOkay. Of first goal, Walt says “Good goal for us ’cause Cam shoulda had it, and he knows it. That’ll get in his skull now.”8:43 PM Apr 15th

- Belated SCORE!! Says Walt, with a relieved smile “Another questionable goal on Ward.”8:47 PM Apr 15th  

- Lost signal hence the Tweets dried up. But what else could be said? Jersey’s Team opened the session in a big way. And the box rocked too.9:57 PM Apr 15th

GAME 2

- Dear Jesus,, Despite sacrilegious moniker, please grant NJ Devils complete control over Canes’ bowels tonight. Vanquish mine enemies, 3/1.
6:21 PM Apr 17th

- Jesus! Tell your Boss: I will sell Him my soul tonight if He makes of Parise a goal-suck or gives Pat a hat trick. LET’S GO DEVILS!!!!!!
6:42 PM Apr 17th

- Nearing The Rock. Getting man-wet, with lust for Devils victory. Bring the Garden State glory, Men.
7:05 PM Apr 17th

- Devils! What is best in life? “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear da lamentation of da Carolinans!”
7:07 PM Apr 17th

- [Colin] Whitey takin’ no [Slats]! BOOM!
7:51 PM Apr 17th

- You cannot deny our goals! All your goals are belong to us! DEVILS SCORE!!!!
8:00 PM Apr 17th

- Opening 15, and JC is on the side of the Devils. Burn, all comers. Welcome to Hell.
8:12 PM Apr 17th

- Whoa. Sorry. Such testosterone in last Tweet. Must’ve been bull [Semenko] in the Liptons. Story of my life.
8:16 PM Apr 17th

- WHY, JESUS, WHY?!?!
8:19 PM Apr 17th

- Parise = all class (and brains).
8:44 PM Apr 17th

- Last one was pic of Opie [an avowed Islanders fan and co-host of radio show Opie & Anthony] at Devs. If that comment somehow cursed tonight’s outcome, I’m calling Stern. Nootch.
8:51 PM Apr 17th

- And we pause for station identification. 1/1, 6:45 left. Canes playing much better. Means more work from Devils, but they’ll get it done.
8:58 PM Apr 17th

- Jesus – please stop [Wayne]ing with us. Let Shanny slip it by Cam in first :30 of OT. Don’t smite every Devils fan’s weekend.
10:13 PM Apr 17th

- Yes, it sucks. A one goal game. In overtime. Canes woke up, apparently. Why, Jesus?! Why hath thou forsaken me?!
12:12 PM Apr 17th

- Holy [Slats]!No lie, ’cause I actually bothered to count: 1209 responses to last Tweet all said “Because you made Dogma.” I’m a fat Bud Abbot.
12:32 PM Apr 17th

Then, someone pointed out that Patrick Elias is on Twitter, so I blew him up with some love (which sounds dirty, but really isn’t)…

- @pelias You guys played great. Owned game. OT, they played like it was a PP. No shame. You bring huge honor to us. Never leave the Devils.
10:48 AM Apr 18th

@pelias Fav moment of last night: you way out front, alone in zone, looking for pass, banging stick on ice. Total kid-like. Passion. Heart.
10:49 AM Apr 18th

But alas, Patrick had more important things to worry about than answering me: Game 3!

GAME 3

- Ten minutes ’til Jersey punishes Carolina. No box this time. Watching it on @nhl website. Any pics this time will be of my computer screen.
about 12 hours ago

- They’re playing phone tag: Devils called, Canes quickly answered. Topic: hockey is the [male-dominated] sport with the highest female viewership. Discuss.
about 11 hours ago

- Bryce sacrifices his face for four minutes of non-conversion. Now, another PP chance. C’mon, boys – do it for El Salvador!
about 11 hours ago

- YEAH!!!! CUSHION GOING INTO THE SECOND! BIG G COMES UP BIG FOR THE DEVS! Excellent first period.
about 11 hours ago

- AHHHHHHHHHH!!! 5 on [Gretz]ing 3?!?!
about 10 hours ago

- Marty (and Devs PK) being awfully big out there. [GRETZKY]!!!! With one second left. Ugh.
about 10 hours ago

- Tied at 2 at end of second. Occurs to me I have only conference call tomorrow, so I can recuperate from big, epic win for Devs, Lord. k,thnx
about 10 hours ago

- This kid Ward is pretty amazing. But, dude? You gotta pace yourself. It’s cool to let one of two of Zach’s by, buddy. R-E-L-A-X…
about 9 hours ago

- Overtime. Please, God – give us a reverse version of the game 2 OT. Better still, Elias finds twine in first :30? Bless Jersey’s Team.
about 9 hours ago

- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! CAROLINA! YOU BEEN ZAJAC-ATTACKED!!!! ALL YOUR CUPS ARE BELONG TO US!!! NJDEVILS HOCKEY, [Glenn Anderson]ERS!!!!!
about 8 hours ago

So what do we have thus far? After a dismal start for Carolina, the Canes showed up in games two and three to remind the Devils they’re not gonna roll over that easily. Still, Jersey’s Team leads the series two to one, with wins both at home and away.

At least, that’s what my “stats” say. But technically, they’re not stats; they’re really Twitter “tweets”. Hmmmm… a confusing conundrum.

Oooo! I know! Maybe we need to drop some fresh nomenclature up in this piece! Yeah! We’ll coin a new phrase altogether!

We’re looking to create the word that’ll label my Tweets-as-Stats theory, so if we combine the term “tweets” with the term “stats”, the result will be the NHL.com friendly word…

Oh, [Rangers]…