A Loooooong Update of Where I’ve Been and What I’ve Been Doing
Friday 5 October 2007 @ 11:49 am

Friday, 9/21

Wake up, take Harley to school, and hang out with Jen ’til she heads to yoga.

I spend most of day buried in my office, writing the second draft of “Zack and Miri Make a Porno.” Even with the new stuff, I wind up taking the page count down to 110. When I’m finished, I send and print out copies for all the appropriate parties. It’s around eight at night, so I put Harley to bed, pack for the trip, and spend time with Jen before falling asleep.

Saturday, 9/22

Get up, shower, then head to airport with Jim Jackman for flight to Philly. I’ve lost my Bose noise-canceling headphones, so I buy a pair of Brookstone’s noise-canceling headphones at the airport before we board.

Jim and I bullshit for the first hour in the air, then watch “Ocean’s 13″ and “Bionic Woman.” I succumb to my weakness for airline food and eat a Spanish omelet.

We land in Philly for a two hour layover before our connecting flight to Ithaca. I buy some chocolate-covered pretzels that Jackman and I share, then we head outside to grab some smokes, only to discover it’s in the high 80′s, temperature-wise.

We head back inside, where I find a Bose store in the terminal and opt to replace my missing headphones, giving Jim my five hour old Brookstone purchase. Then, we head over to the connecting flight terminal, where I succumb further to the temptation of Philly food, and split a cheese-steak with Jim. We board our prop-plane puddle-jumper for the one hour flight to upstate New York.

We land in Ithaca, and Mewes meets us at the airport. Our driver/escort Joe takes us to the hotel, where I shit, shower and shave. We head over to Cornell, starting the show around fifteen minutes late. I intro surprise guest Mewes about ten minutes in, and the place goes nuts.

It was a really good show. Unlike most of my Q&A’s, it wasn’t six questions with six hour-long responses. The longest story-answer I gave was probably around twenty minutes or so. Instead of telling long-winded tales, I wind up getting to a bunch of questions – something I rarely accomplish. Mewes is funny and candid when he rocks the mic. The place is nearly sold-out (1225 out of 1300 seats). The show goes from 7:15 to a little after midnight.

After the show, I take a bunch of pics with the student activities board folks, sign some stuff, collect my Cornell jersey, then head back to the hotel. Jim, Mewes and I bullshit for a bit, during which time I try to convince Jay to come back to Jersey with Jim and I, but he’s not having it; he wants to get back to L.A. and his lady (and dog).

Mewes heads back to his room and Jim and I hit the sack (in our separate beds, natch), falling asleep to “Spider-Man 3.”

Sunday, 9/23

I get up to find an iced tea waiting by the phone (Jackman’s a saint). I shower, pack, and meet Jim and Mewes downstairs. We head to the airport, check in, grab some smokes outside, then board the puddle-jumper back to Philadelphia.

In Philly, we collect our luggage and after some initial confusion about where the rental shuttle will pick us up, we head to Hertz, grab a car, lose a phone charger, set up the GPS, then bring Mewes back to the terminal for his flight to L.A. Jim and I say g’bye to Jay, then head to Jersey.

Twenty minutes in, I talk to Bryan Johnson, who tells me the SModcast equipment he’d Fed-Exed to the Stash East arrived, but since nobody was around to sign for it, it’s being held in the sectional center in Eatontown. Since it’s Sunday, we won’t be able to pick it up ’til tomorrow morning, so my plans to do a Kev/Walt/Bry SModcast pre-poker tourney are shot. Since there’s no rush to get to Red Bank, Jim and I turn the car around and head back into Philly, to grab some Geno’s.

We wait in line for a few minutes, ’til we get up to the ordering window and the guy working it says “What’re you doing out there? Come inside.” They put us at the indoor “celebrity” table, where Jim and I indulge in some awesome, Whiz-covered steaks and fries. It’s about the furthest thing from my diet, but fuck it: I earned this shit.

We climb back in the car and rocket to Red Bank, where we check into our rooms. I check some email, IM Mos some script files, tug one out, then head to the Stash for the poker tourney.

Bry, Walt, Zap, and Ming are in the house, as is Jared, who’s already in the midst of putting the chips together when I arrive. We’ve got 25 or so people playing, so there’s a healthy prize pool for the top five winners. The last tourney’s reigning champ, Mike McCutcheon, has brought his laptop and some tourney software, so our shit goes high-tech.

Jared gets knocked out first, and I immediately follow. After a few more people are sent packing, we combine the three tables into two tables and get a cash game going. For the first two hours, I’m donking out like crazy, playing like an asshole. I’m down eight hundred bucks before I turn shit around and build my stacks up to seventeen hundred (thank you, Marc) ending the night around four in the morning, at least eight hundred and change up.

Over at the tourney, Gavin walks away the big winner. After the week he had (his place was burgled), and the amount of cash he’s given up at the tables in the past, he more than deserved it. The Rocketeer-helmeted Big Kev came in second, Steve (who knocked me and my pocket jacks out) came in third.

Monday, 9/24

Jim, Big Kev and I take off from the Stash around 4:30, hit the hotel to grab our luggage, then race up to Manhattan, bullshitting the whole way, trying to stay awake. We get to the London Hotel, I check in and drop my bags off, then we jump in a cab and head three blocks over to K-Rock for the Opie & Anthony Show, where I sit in for almost the entire episode with O&A and Jimmy Norton. As always, I have a great time.

Post-show, I say g’bye and head to the hotel, where Jen (who landed a few hours ago) has already checked-in and is snuggled up in our bed. I throw on the woobs and join her.

I wake up a few hours later and grab some tea with Jen. We sit around catching up for a bit, before she starts getting ready to go out. I take a shower, get dressed, and around seven, I drive us downtown to Matt’s apartment, where some Askew Board folks are having a get-together. I drop in for a few minutes, then leave Jen behind and head back to Red Bank. En route, I do my pre-interview with Brian at “The Late Show,” going over potential stuff to talk about with Letterman the next night.

I get to the store, take a shit, then kick back with Bry and Walt to record two new SModcasts. When we’re done, I shoot back up to the city, pick up Jen, and head to our hotel, where I’ve pre-ordered some late-night room service for us. We chow down then fall asleep watching “Ocean’s 13.”

Tuesday, 9/25

I wake up and do a radio tour for the book and “Reaper”, doing about ten or fifteen radio stations around the country. When I’m almost done, Jen wakes up and has her coffee, waiting for me to finish. Afterwards, we bullshit for awhile, then Jen gets ready for a lunch with Chay, who’s also in the city. I stay in the room, checking email and getting ready for Letterman.

Since it’s gonna be my first time there, I’m pretty nervous. It’s the seventh time I’ve been asked to do the show, and I normally decline, due to my “Tonight Show” relationship. But since I was gonna be on the east coast the day “My Boring-Ass Life” hit stores out and the day “Reaper” debuted, it just seemed like the best time to bust my Letterman cherry and take to the Ed Sullivan Theater stage.

I shower and get dressed, then Jen and I head over to the Letterman show. This is what happened…

It was a very, very good appearance for me.

After the show, Jen and I hang out and talk to the members of Rascal Flats a bit, as well as Brian (the segment producer) and one of the head writers. Then, Jen and I head back to the hotel and sit around jawing for awhile before cabbing it uptown to Gabriel’s on 60th and Columbus Circle for a romantic dinner – so romantic, in fact, that when we get back to the hotel and bust out the nookie, I actually get on top. Thankfully, I do not lose my balance and my wife is not crushed to death beneath my girth. We fall asleep watching TV.

Wednesday, 9/26

I get up, shower, and jump in the car. We head uptown a bit so I can be on “Good Day, New York.”

Afterwards, I head back to the hotel where I creep around like a ninja, so as not to wake Schwalbach, laying on the floor, checking email. Jen wakes up just as I’m opting to go back to sleep for a bit.

I wake up and wait for the car to take me to NPR for a show called “Fair Game,” but the car never shows up. We re-schedule the interview, and Jen and I order up a tea service and pack for Toronto.

The car service that’s supposed to take us to LaGuardia Crazy isn’t downstairs, so we wait for twenty minutes, before a sloppy jalopy of a Town Car pulls up, mini-chandelier dangling from the rearview mirror. Jen’s like “That can’t be our car…” As the Sikh driver asks the hotel doorman for a Kevin Smith, I realize this is our ride. The dude barely speaks English and somehow managed to lock himself out of the car, even though we’re already loaded in ourselves. Any car service that sports its own novelty air freshener and a number like 666-6666 is probably best to avoid.

Even with the driver barking at someone on his cell phone the whole ride while side-swiping at least two cars, we somehow make it to LaGuardia in one piece. Jen and I check-in, grab a smoke outside, then head to the gate, where we grab some pretzels and bottles of water.

We pull away from the gate but sit on the tarmac for an hour, waiting for takeoff, during which time the Air Canada flight attendants turn on the entertainment system and I finally get to see “Spider-Man 3″ – a movie in which many people cry, sing, and dance.

We land in Toronto and head to the SoHo Metropolitan, check in, and crash while watching “Everybody Loves Raymond.”

Thursday, 9/27

I wake up, shower, and prepare for a full day of Canadian press, accompanied by Lee, the publicist. The day looks like this…

Thursday, September 26th

6.45 AM – 8.30 AM
Breakfast Television
LIVE interview

9.00 AM – 9.45 AM
102.1 The Edge
LIVE Radio Interview

10.00 AM
Globe and Mail

11:00 AM
Toronto Star

12.00-12.45 PM
Metro Newspaper

12.45-1.10 PM
Webnation- Webcam Interview

2.30-3.30 PM
CTV E-Talk Daily

4:00-5.30 PM
The Hour
2 Segments (aired same night @ 8PM)

6.50-6.55 PM
Mad Dog and Billie 99.9 MIXFM
TAPED 5-minute radio interview to be aired morning of 9/28

7.00 PM
Indigo Eaton Centre Toronto
Q&A and signing

Over six hundred people show up for the Indigo signing. Even so, we’re able to get everybody’s stuff signed and get everybody out the door by 9:30.

Afterwards, we hit Ruth’s Chris Steak House for a late dinner with Malcolm and his new man, as well as Jim Jackman and his old man: his buddy Squally. Immediately after eating, I pay the bill, bid everyone good night, and head back to the hotel with Jen – where the she attacks me. We fuck and fall asleep.

Friday, 9/28

I wake up and do a morning radio tour by phone with stations across America. When I’m done, I start packing. Malcolm drops by for a bit, then walks us out to the car, which Jen and I take to the airport.

When we land in La Guardia, I get phone call from Weinstein Company exec Michael Cole who tells me about a meeting he and Harvey took with our potential Zack’s agent. He also drops the bomb, which doesn’t really explode so much as lay there, as Scott and I were pretty much expecting it…

Harvey and Bob are passing on “Red State.”

It’s the first time Harvey and Bob have passed on anything I’ve wanted to do, but if they were gonna pass on anything, this’d be the one to do it on. The only explanation Michael gives me is “Harvey thought it was more of a Bob flick and then Bob didn’t get it. They’d rather just concentrate on ‘Zack and Miri’ at the moment, which we’re all pumped about.”

Naturally, this makes me wanna make “Red State” even more than I did just prior to that phone call. I get excited thinking about having to raise financing for our hot potato of a flick. This represents a turning point of sorts for Scott and I, inasmuch as everything (with the exception of “Mallrats”) has been made with the Weinsteins. It might be nice to see if we can get something done without them. Whether it’ll be nice or not, however, it’s what’s in the cards, as they don’t feel the flick is very commercial. And, in truth, on the surface, it may not be – unless we get the buzz I think we’ll get off the festival circuit. Regardless, it’s not something we’ll have to think about ’til after we’re done with “Zack and Miri Make a Porno.”

Jen and I head back to hotel, change clothes, and head over to Gabriel’s for a lovely dinner with John and Janet Pierson, where we catch up and chow down on some excellent Italian food before walking them over to Lincoln Center for the opening night of the New York Film Festival. Too exhausted from the week’s activities and in need of an early rise and trip down to Red Bank in the morning, Jen and I opt to skip the screening of “The Darjeeling Limited” and crash instead. We fall asleep watching “Bug.”

Saturday, 9/29

Wake up, shower, pack, and climb into the rental, en route to the Mother Land: Red Bank, N.J. for this…

Signing goes off without a hitch. We cap the line early and sell about 700 bucks, finishing a little later than the proposed 6pm cut-off. I meet a bunch of great people who seem genuinely enthused to be there. The folks who support my bullshit are really nice cats.

Afterwards, I bring Jen, Walt, Bry, Zap, Ming, Quinn and Jew Askew to the Inkwell in Long Branch for a post-signing thank you meal. We sit around bullshitting and downing chicken salad on toasted pitas for a few hours before heading back to the hotel in Red Bank.

Jen and I watch “The Hoax,” during which she falls asleep. Still amped from the signing (and the meal), I can’t sleep, so I post in the SModcast thread over at the ViewAskew.com message board, and get into a debate over my comments in a previous SModcast about the torture of child rapists. Following that, I go to sleep watching “Law & Order” around three in the morning.

Sunday, 9/30

Get up at 7:15, pack, check out.

Jen and I hit Bagel Station, then race to Newark Airport, where I drop Jen off at the terminal for her earlier-than-mine flight to L.A., return the rental car, and head back to the terminal to check-in for my flight to Orlando.

During the flight, I re-watch some episodes of “Wonder Showzen.” When we land, my brother Don picks me up, and we head back to his place. I say hi to Jerry, then walk down the street to my Mom’s, where I take a massive shit, and we catch up for a few hours (though not at the same time).

I head back to Don’s, shower, then take the Mom, Don and Jerry out to eat. Afterwards, we head back to the warehouse, where I start the hours-long process of signing a slew of DVD covers and the first 1000 “My Boring-Ass Life” books for the Online Stash, all while catching up with the family. We knock off around midnight, and I head back to Don’s and crash.

Monday, 10/1

I wake up around nine and check email and do biz stuff ’til three, at which time Mom picks me up and brings me back to the warehouse.

Before the signing begins again, I jump online to find a local store that sells Webkinz, the latest kid craze that holds my daughter in its thrall. I locate a flower shop a few miles away that vends Googles the Goose, and Mom and I head over to grab it, along with seven other Webkinz.

I hang out with my Mom a bit, touring her ‘hood and chatting. We pick up some Mexican food and donuts, then head back to the warehouse, where the marathon signing of online merch begins in earnest. Before we call it a night around 11:30, I sign hundreds of posters, InAction figures, and another 1000 copies of “My Boring-Ass Life.”

I dig into some late-night cereal back at Don’s, accepting the fact that I’ve failed at this go-round of my diet as well, and fall asleep to “From Beyond.”

Tuesday, 10/2

I wake up early, and head back to office with Jerry to sign another couple hundred posters. Mom and Don show up, and I tag a few cases of Bluntman figures before heading back to the house to shower and pack.

Mom and Don take me to the airport, where I say g’bye to my family and head to my gate.

During the long flight home, I sleep for a bit, eat for a bit, then spend the rest of the time editing the Bry/Walt SModcast files together.

At luggage claim, I get chatted up by an undercover airport cop who I’d met at the luggage claim last year, and he tells me about various drug busts that’ve gone on that week. Outside, Jen picks me up, and we head back to the house.

The kid greets me like I’ve been gone for years instead of a week and a half, and I gift her with the new Webkinz. Afterwards, Jen, Harley, Byron, Gail and I sit down for family dinner.

Jen and I put Harley to bed, and I sack out in the woobs and play some Full Tilt while watching the TiVo’ed “Heroes” season premiere I’d missed. After that, I start to watch “Dexter” but fall asleep.

Wednesday, 10/3

I wake up and get into some Full Tilt, then check email, then rock some more Full Tilt while Jen goes to yoga – stopping only to do my pre-interview with “Late, Late Show.”

Jen gets back from yoga and we shower and head over to a place called Paddington’s Tea Room on Robertson for a high tea date. We down, easily, two full pots of tea, a slew of tea sandwiches, and some scones.

I drop Jen off at home, grab another shirt and jacket, and head over to CBS for an appearance on “The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson.” I chill in my dressing room, chit-chatting with the segment producer and others, before heading out for my fifth appearance on the show…

I head home, talking to Carla about “Zack and Miri” casting en route.

At family dinner, Harley puts on a puppet show, and Gail, Jen and I go over the feasibility (or lack thereof) of the Ireland/UK trip at the moment, based on activity with “Zack and Miri.” The tough decision is made to cancel the trip for the time being.

I play more Full Tilt, put Harley to bed, then watch the awesome “Pushing Daisies” premiere with Jen. Afterwards, we fall asleep early to some season two of “The Office.”

Thursday, 10/4

I wake up with a case of the shits, so I can’t make it to K-ROQ for sit-in with Kevin & Bean. Instead, I call in. When we’re done, I further deal with the shits, ’til there’s nothing left to come out, the play Full Tilt.

I shower and head to lunch with Dawn Ostroff, head of the CW, at Ca Del Sole. When we’re done, I head to valet to get the car out and realize I’m cashless. I offer the valet dudes my license in exchange for letting me take the car to the nearest ATM, but graciously, they allow me to go without leaving behind a marker. I hit the ATM a mile up the road, then return with their payment, and head home.

I pick up Harley and her friend from school and we head to The Grove to catch “The Game Plan.” En route, I get into a texting-argument with Bryan that continues during a brief, pre-show sit-down at The Farm restaurant as well as through half the flick.

Post-flick, I drop Harley’s friend off at her house, chat with her parents a bit, then bring Harley back to our house, drop her off with Jen, and head to the office to clear the air with Bry. We talk for three hours before Ming arrives, having come to town from Jersey in order to catalogue all the Stash props for either shipment back east or sale online.

I head back to the house, followed by Ming, who takes the guest room. I catch up with Jen for a bit, then watch the TiVo’ed new “Office” ep while playing Full Tilt and snacking out. Tomorrow, I start back on my diet in earnest.

Jen and I fall asleep watching more season two of “The Office.”


Don’t forget: tomorrow (SATURDAY) officially ends both the “Boring-Ass Tour” and, quite possibly, Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash West…

I’ll be signing the new book and hawking deeply discounted merch as we get ready to shut the store doors. If you’re in L.A. (or the L.A. area), it’s worth the trip.

Saturday, October 6, 2007
Jay & Silent Bob’s Secret Stash
1045 Westwood Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90024
(310) 824-1373
12:00pm NOON – 6pm

Additional info can be found here.

Also, Auctions Askew is back!

That’s right – now you can bid on stuff that was actually in some of our flicks, with the proceeds going to a good cause: me and my filthy Full Tilt habit.


See (some of) you at the signing tomorrow!


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