Saturday, 4/23/05
Saturday 23 April 2005 @ 11:31 pm

- Harley gets me up at 6:45. I’m starting to group her in with the Alarm Mutts. I bring the dogs and Harley upstairs, my laptop under my arm. I let the dogs out, give Harley some milk and cookies for breakfast, and we head into the living room, opting for a first-time viewing (for her) of “The Karate Kid”. While Daniel-San learns the ways of the Force from Mr. Miyagi, I play UB. Harley loves the flick, and by the end, she’s ready to go right into “Part II”. I suggest we skip to the fourth flick (in which Mr. Miyagi tutors Hillary Swank), but Harley – like all of us when we first peeped “KK” – has a thing for Ralph Macchio, so the much less engaging “KK2″ it is.

- Reyna and her boys Kevin and Hans show up, so Quinnster’s off for the day. I take UB with me to the bathroom for what’s not the eleven o’clock, late-morning shit. While in the upstairs can, I hear the half-awake Jen muttering about a broken sprinkler head that’s gushing water all over the street outside. Through the bathroom door, I tell her that in my present condition – mid-shit – I can’t do anything about it. Somehow, she handles it herself.

- I join Jenny downstairs in the bedroom and lay on the bed playing UB, while she rides the couch checking email. Some TiVo’ed “Simpsons” act as white noise in the background. She sweating geting a ride to Lisa Roumain’s tonight for a little Coral Springs High-transplants get-together. Mewes IM’s me, increasingly amused with how much time I’m spending on UB, and also offers to bring home some Coffee Bean for Jen.

- I’m recruited to be the pick-up ride from Lisa’s, post-party. I say it’s gonna cost her in sex dollars, which Jen offers up. But I’m so full-tilt on UB that I forget to take her up on it. Then, Mewes and Chay arrive, thus killing any chances I’ve got at last-minute nookie as well. Jen signs Mewes up as the ride for her, Chay and Harley to Lisa’s, and with that out of the way, the wife starts concentrating on the Festival of Books thing that’s in two hours. Jen, Chay and Jay are all yammering on the couch in our room while I start dumping hands, chasing like a motherfucker – which bugs me only because I was doing so well all morning. Finally, I somehow find the self-control to close the laptop and head to the shower. At this point, I’ve been playing UB for eight hours straight.

- As I’m showering, Jen pops her head in to tell me she’s heading over to the Festival of Books with Chay, Harley, Kevin and Hans We’re taking separate cars so nobody has to be at the mercy of my schedule). I get out of the shower, and as I air dry at my desk-top computer, I check the board and peep the link to Kirk Cameron’s wacky Jesus website. Fuck, does that guy love the Lord – in that awesome way that makes a motherfucker judgmental and sad. He’s become one of those people who try to make the Bible say what they want it to say, and are way into telling people that they’re sinners if they don’t believe what he believes. I say the real sin is that flick he did, “Like Father, Like Son”. Still, the dude runs a camp for terminally ill kids, so he can’t be all bad; just misled. At this point, I’m kinda dry, so I stop caring about Kirk’s issues and get dressed and head out.

- Jen and Chay call me while I’m en route to UCLA to tell me Sunset’s jammed and at a stand-still, due to a faulty traffic light. I take some back roads and sidestep the gridlock, and get to the school five minutes into my one hour on stage. Jen, Chay, Harley, Kevin, Hans and I dash for Royce Hall, where I’m checked in and loaded onto an extra-long golf cart with the crew. They drop us at the foot of the stage, and I step up and do my Q&A thing for an hour to a nice, juicy crowd. Following that, I do a signing for a capped-line 100 people, offering more signing time at the Stash to anyone who didn’t get served. The score of the day, though, is a ripe-for-the-framing sweet-ass blow-up of the “Speaks” book cover that I ask for and get. Jen and crew take it home with them as they head off. When I’m done signing, I head off as well, but to the Stash.

- I sign at the Stash for about an hour and change, then chit-chat with Chappy about the new “Rats” book and other publishing stuff. Following that, I make for home, stopping at Quizno’s for a Steakhouse Beef Dip and then next door at the pizza place for a calzone (in case I’m not feeling sandwich-y when I get home).

- While en route, I call both Brian O’Halloran and Jeff Anderson to talk about the “Clerks 2″ move, and both fellas are awfully gracious about it. They’re not only excellent actors, but excellent friends who’re very supportive to boot. Jeff and I wind up talking about photography, and Jeff suggests he do a series of behind-the-scenes shots on “Clerks 2″ with this Holga camera he’s really into. I take it a step further and suggest he not only do that, but that we also publish a book of the pics when he’s done. We talk about the next flick he’s gonna direct, post “Passion” and mid-convo, I decide I’ve gotta get some gifts for him and Brian for being so cool about what I promise is the last schedule change.

- On the way home from Quizno’s, I tear into my Beef Dip. Once home, I hit the shitter with my “Catch” script and start highlighting my lines for tomorrow’s read-thru – an actorly pastime I’ve never really had to engage in before. When I get out of the bathroom, I hear Mewes bombing around upstairs, so I grab my calzone and laptop and join him in the living room. The plan is that we’re gonna watch “Clone Wars” and play UB, but we wind up splitting the calzone and quietly playing UB without TV accompaniment, updating each other on our plays. Over the course of an hour or so, I turn $350 into $1000 before Chay calls to say they’re all ready for pickup.

- Mewes is in the middle of a tourney when we leave, but he’s got a Sprint card that allows him to get online via his cell phone, so he brings his laptop with him in the car. We head deep into the Valley out by the Topanga exit and I swing into Lisa and Greg’s place to say hi and grab my girls while Mewes throws down UB in the car. I carry Harley out, say g’night, and drive us all back to the house.

- Jen puts Harley to sleep on our couch, as per usual. Chay sleeps over in Harley’s room, and Mewes heads upstairs to play more UB and watch “Elektra”. I continue highlighting my script for a bit before cuddling up with Schwalbach and some TiVo’ed “Simpsons”, during which I fall asleep.


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