Thursday, 5/5/05
Thursday 5 May 2005 @ 11:03 pm

- I’m with this girl who I don’t know/can’t place, who proposes a three-way with Jen, but then seduces me into some one-on-one. The chick kinda looks like Mewes’ ex girlfriend Lauren, but it can’t be her, as I haven’t seen Lauren in a dog’s age, and even when I did, she wasn’t really my type. The weird thing about her is that this chick’s got massive fucking nipples – monstrous even. They’re so big and thick around that they’re almost like a pair of cocks planted on her boobs (paging Dr. Freud…). I eat her out, she sucks my dick, we bone and cum, and then I excuse myself, as I have to get back to school. I rush back to my old alma mater, Henry Hudson Regional, where I’m somehow still a student, even though I’m also an established filmmaker. I hit the boys locker room to wash my face off, so my high school wife, Jen, can’t smell some other chick’s pussy all over my muzzle. I’m hating myself for doing the unthinkable and cheating when I suddenly wake up and discover that, mercifully, it’s all been a dream. I have the same sense of relief I have when I wake up from dreams about being murdered.

- Since Byron’s bed-ridden, letting the dogs out in the a.m. requires the climb up to the third floor. I make the climb, take a leak, swish some mouthwash, then head back to the room and open one of the black out curtains, so Harley and Jen can gradually wake up. I grab my laptop and head to the bathroom, where I open up a bunch of nude and sexy pics I keep of Jen, and tug one out in an almost conciliatory manner, to wipe any trace of the sex with a stranger out of my subconscious. After I finish, I check email for a few minutes before I hear the knock on the door of Jen, telling me to hurry up so we can get to school.

- I get dressed and head dowstairs. I grab the Daily Variety off the front stoop, load Jen and Harley into the car, and head over to Winchell’s while reading the paper. When we get to Winchell’s, I tell Jen I want to stay in the car, as a man on a diet shouldn’t have to walk into a donut store. Jen points out that it’s not a great neighborhood, and I grumble as I drag my ass out of the car and join the girls at the counter inside. I bury my face in the Variety, so as not to let a single one of those sweet temptations break my stride.

- We bring the three boxes of donuts to Harley’s class as a sort of going-away present. The kids are already in their reading circle, so we leave the donuts for them, say goodbye to Cricket, and kiss and hug Harley. I tell Harley that it’s a safe bet we won’t have taken to the road by three, so we’ll probably see her after school anyway.

- We stop at McDonald’s on the way home and grab some hash browns and a Diet Coke for the Princess and some sausage patties for me. While in the drive-thru line, I thow out this suggestion: maybe we should skip the Skywalker Ranch premiere and drive straight up to Vancouver. As it stands, I have to be in Vancouver for three hours of rehearsal on Saturday afternoon, which was gonna require me to fly to Van and back to San Fran on Saturday so that we could continue our drive on Sunday. As much as I’d like to kick back in the Gershwin Room and see “Sith” projected and listen to it on the Stag Theater screen, the most responsible thing to do would be getting to Vancouver by Saturday morning and immersing myself in “Catch & Release”. Jen agrees.

- When we get home, I head upstairs to grab a glass of iced tea for my sausages and sit down and finish reading Variety. Afterwards, Gail lets Scully and Mulder in and I feed the mutts before going back downstairs.

- Jen’s generously offered to help me pack (once she’s done emailing Chay), so I pull all the clothes I wanna take with me out of my closet and dump them on the floor. I’ve opted against luggage, and instead, insist on using plastic storage tubs from Target. Since we’re driving up, I can fit a shit-load of these buckets into the back of the Expedition, as well as the luggage Jen’s bringing for her initial two week stay.

- I head to my office, plug in a 100 gig Firewire drive to back up my desk top Mac. While it gobbles up all 90 gigs of my life’s work, I forge ahead on the dreaded Rolling Stone piece ’til one-ish, at which point I give it a read and finally feel satisfied enough to turn it in. I email it to Jim, the Rolling Stone editor, and clean up some desktop files before shutting down and emerging from the room, hands held triumphantly high to the couch-riding Jen, announcing the beast has been tamed. She’s already packed all my clothes into the containers, so now all that’s left for me to do is pack DVD’s and sundry non-clothing items I’ll be needing for my nearly three month stay up north.

- I pack a massive container full of movies, packed to the top largely with a slew of flicks I haven’t even opened yet. I round up the comics I haven’t gotten around to reading in the last few months as well, and put my office in order. With everything now sorted and packed, I head upstairs to sign the four hundred copies of “Silent Bob Speaks” that are waiting for me on the dining room table. Jen heads off to pick up Harley from school.

- While signing the only amount of the second printing we could get from the book distrib (the second printing flew out of the warehouse, necessitating a third printing, which won’t be available ’til mid-May), Gail comes upstairs to continue making family dinner: spaghetti and meatballs. I tell her to call Smalls so he can load up the truck with the luggage and then pack up the signed books for shipping to Don in Florida. Harley and Jen return, and Harley joins me, helping me stack the signed books. Since we had such a smearing problem with the last batch, I’m now signing inside the book – and as she stack each copy, Harley takes a moment to open the book and inhale the Sharpie smell. We get through the stacks and it’s dinner time. Byron appears for the first time, walking without wincing. Turns out the drugs the back doctor gave him are masking the pain enough for him to stand up and move around. He joins us for dinner.

- It’s an early family dinner – ’round 3:45 – because Harley has to go back to school for gymnastics. While the lucky sumbitches dig into pasta, I mix up some chicken salad and brew a glass of iced tea. We’re all chatting up Harley about her day, but she’s obsessed with this spider she spotted on the ceiling that seems to be making its way toward the stove.

- I head downstairs closely followed by Jen and Harley. Jen’s connection to Harley is, naturally, stronger than mine, so whenever we have to leave the Quinnster behind, it emotionally cripples Jen. They’re going through their mother-daughter bond stuff, after which I hug and kiss the kid, tickle her and tell her I’ll see her in a week, and send her off to gymnastics.

- I take a shower, wrap myself in a robe, then head to my office to see if I’ve gotten a response from the Rolling Stone guy. Finding nothing, I shut the computer down, get dressed, and head upstairs to sign the last batch of “Dogma” UK posters we’ll ever carry at the online Stash. When I’m done, I go back to our room, where Jen’s drawing “I Love You” signs for Harley to find when she gets home. I clean up the TiVo storage and cancel some programs off the Season Pass menu. We give the room a once-over, say g’bye to Scully and Mulder, and I carry the last few tubs of gear to the elevator. We pop in to Byron and Gail’s room to say g’bye, then I head outside to spin the car around to the garage and load the last two containers from the elevator. Fully packed, we start our drive to Vancouver.

- It’s a straight shot up on the 5, but since we’re leaving at about six, there’s a bunch of traffic. We clear the city and it’s smooth sailing. I call Don to tell him all the books are signed and we wind up talking for an hour. Turns out they’re moving the Online Stash fulfillment center to a warehouse space, as it’s gotten too big to keep in the offices they’d been in for the last year and a half. Don relates some amusingly horrifying tales of having to deal with the credit card companies until I lose connection to him in the mountains. Jen’s been buried in Newsweek the whole time, so she relishes the opportunity to fill me in on some of the stuff she’s read until we hit a gas and food stop. I call Don back and finish the convo while filling up the Expedition. Jen and I grab some McDonald’s (Diet Coke and fries) for her, and some Carl’s Jr. (bunless six dollar burger with cheese, chicken breast and iced tea) for me. We head back out to the road.

- Harley calls in to say g’night. When that convo’s done, the wife and I spend the next hour and a half chit-chatting. Aside from getting inside her body my favorite Jen/Kev pastime is getting inside her head. I find Jen insanely interesting, and I love hearing her talk and probing her verbally (orally and cock-ally, too). I tell her about my cheating dream, and we talk about my historical predilection for really pale girls, as well as which (if any) of her friends I’d fuck if we weren’t together (turns out none). After awhile, we opt for some iPod. We listen to a lot of Springsteen before clicking over to Spalding Gray’s “It’s a Slippery Slope”, which takes us into Sacremento.

- We get a room at the Sheraton and load all her bags out of the car. I grab a change of clothes from my tubs and we head upstairs. We both take long leaks before climbing into bed and purchasing some “Frasier” episodes from the in-room movie menu to fall asleep to.


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