So, years ago, I was signed up for Google News alerts – a service that sends you emails with links to web stories that contain key words or phrases you provide (“Chasing Amy”, “Clerks”, etc.). Every day there are at least thirty emails in my box that provide links to stories which match these terms, as well as appropriate pull quotes, highlighting the use of the terms in question. Naturally, not all the emails exactly match the request: I get an extraordinary number of links about Court Clerks making news, and a large number of notices of the goings-on in the life of Kevin Smith – the public works director in Sioux Falls, Iowa.

Still, for the volume of mismatches, there are always links provided to news items and stories about me or the flicks I’ve made that I would otherwise missed, were it not for the alerts.

Today, I received links to two stories that I’d have rather missed.

The first was for the Onion’s AV Club site. Apparently, they run a column called “Ask the AV Club”,, and “Chasing Amy” is referenced in a far from flattering fashion…

“Did you ever realize that the Criterion Collection of films, while including some really great features (Seven Samurai, This Is Spinal Tap) also includes such mega-dreck as Armageddon, Chasing Amy, and Robocop? Explain! Xoxo, Eric”

That was depressing.

Say what you will about “Amy”, but it received stellar reviews, wound up on multiple Ten Best lists at year’s end (Richard Corliss at Time and Quentin Tarantino named it as their favorite of ’97), and won two Independent Spirit Awards. That’s why Criterion approached us about doing a “Chasing Amy” laser disc (which was later released as the DVD).

And yet: “mega-dreck”.

*sigh*

But the next story, courtesy of the tabloid-y StarPulse.com, was just baffling.

Kevin Smith Says That Bruce Willis Threatened To Quit ‘Die Hard’ For Him

Filmmaker Kevin Smith was amazed when Bruce Willis threatened to quit the upcoming Die Hard sequel if a studio executive didn’t allow him to use his own dialogue. Clerks director Smith has a small role in Live Free Or Die Hard and re-wrote his lines for the part.

But when Willis, who returns as police officer John McClane for a fourth time in the movie, found out studio bosses weren’t happy with the changes, he gave them an ultimatum.

Smith says, “Bruce just sat there on the phone going, ‘Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh,’ and then, ‘Let me ask you a question – who’s your second choice to play John McClane?’ There was a long pause, and then he went, ‘That’s what I thought,’ and hung up.”

My quote is pulled (uncredited to the source material) from the this month’s Vanity Fair, in which Bruce Willis is profiled. Read that story above carefully. What’s my exact quote?

“Bruce just sat there on the phone going, ‘Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh,’ and then, ‘Let me ask you a question – who’s your second choice to play John McClane?’ There was a long pause, and then he went, ‘That’s what I thought,’ and hung up.”

How does one take that and turn it into

Kevin Smith Says That Bruce Willis Threatened To Quit ‘Die Hard’ For Him

Do I say anything in that quote about Willis a) threatening to quit, and b) threatening to quit over me?

Those two links made me really… and forgive me, because I don’t know how else to say it…

Well, sad. And that sucks, because I’ve been feeling pretty good lately: I just finished a script and I saw half of “Live Free or Die Hard” yesterday (which was really great).

And then, this shit. I don’t know why I let it bother me, but it does.

Some days, it just doesn’t pay to check email.

——————-

Ah, fuck all that. Perspective regained. Thanks for the kind words, all.

Y’know what’s more important that that shit?

THIS shit…

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The last Q&A I did at the Basie was the longest I’ve ever done: eight hours. If you’re an east coaster, and remotely interested in my bullshit, you’ve gotta be there. If you’re not an east coaster, I’ll make it worth the trip.

ORDER THOSE TICKETS RIGHT HERE!

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